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December 15th, 2008

11:10 pm

It is ridiculously cold in OKC today. In fact, hold on a minute while I call the time and temperature lady and find out how cold it is.… 16 degrees! Holy hell, that’s cold! That can’t be right. I’ll just check again.… Yeah, still 16. That blows. I hope it snows or something so I don’t have to go to work in the morning. I shouldn’t have to leave the house when it’s that cold. There should be some kind of law that everything shuts down when it’s below 20 degrees. I’m too old and cranky to go out when it’s that cold.

When I got home from work this evening, I naturally put on my warmest tater skins with the intention of hiding under my favorite blanket and watching Monday Night Football. It’s so cold, that I even opted for house shoes, which is pretty rare for me. Usually, I’m good to go with socks only. When I went in search of house shoes, I discovered that I have 5 pair and they’re all plush animals or cartoon characters. 4 pair are cows and one pair is Bullwinkle heads with antlers and everything. They’re all obnoxious. I can’t believe I’m soon to be 35 years old and I don’t have one pair of adult house shoes. How is that possible? Anyway, I settled on the least obnoxious cow slippers. They’re plush cow heads with horns and ears sticking out to the side. I figured they’d be warm enough and it’s not like I’m going out in public so no big deal. Well, I failed to consider how a dog might react to such goofy shoes. Cinnabar is convinced that my shoes are a dog toy and she keeps pouncing on my feet to try and chew on the ears. She’s obsessed with them. It’s pretty hilarious. My girl is such a clown.

It’s your lucky day. I have a big treat for you today. This might possibly be the greatest content I have ever provided on my blog. Are you sitting down? OK, check this out. Monday Night Football has HUGE implications for my fantasy football team. Well, technically, the team is half Randy’s, but we all know who the brains behind the operation is. (It’s a joke, Randy. Relax.) Seriously though, I’m sticking with calling it my fantasy football team because it’s easier than having to remember to type “our”. Besides, it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want. Anyway, my team, the “Green Monstahs”, is down 34 points in a first round playoff match up against my Dad’s team of losers AKA “Scorgasm Addict”. Dad’s losers are done for the week, but I have Donovan Mcnabb and Brian Westbrook going in tonight’s game. I feel like I have a 50/50 chance for the come from behind victory. So, since there’s nothing more entertaining than reading about someone else’s fantasy football team, I give you my running commentary as I watch Monday Night Football and agonize over my fantasy football team. I know. It’s awesome. You’re welcome. Enjoy!

Woo! I'm ready for some football! But I am sick and tired of that stupid MNF theme song that repeatedly inquires about my readiness. I know they've been using that song forever and I'm generally all for tradition, but that song is seriously played out. Time for a new intro, guys.

Philly takes the opening kick off and proceeds to drive down the field like shit through a goose. Touchdown pass from McNabb to Curtis. The Monstahs are off to a good start.

Cleveland drove the field pretty easily then stalled and settled for a field goal. Nice drive. It didn't take much time off the clock and now Philly gets the ball back.

Philly's second drive isn't as smooth but they've still managed to get into the red zone.

Holy crap! McNabb almost got picked off. The key word is almost. OK, third and goal... dammit! Incomplete pass. Philly kicks a field goal. I can't believe they didn't go for it on 4th down. I don't get points for field goals. Don't they realize my fantasy season hangs in the balance? Selfish bastards!

Another Cleveland possession. Who cares. Let's go check the score of the only game that matters.
Scorgasm Addict 72.70
Green Monstahs 52.35

Woo!. I'm reeling him in. Philly needs to get the damn ball back.

Oh yeah! 4th down for Cleveland. Punt bitches!

Philly has another good drive going. Lots of passing. McNabb is looking pretty sharp so far. Philly is at mid field. Keep it going guys. Ooh, there's a nice run by Westbrook. Philly is on the Cleveland 34. And there's a pass to Jackson to get the Eagles to first and goal. Go Monstahs!

Well that was stupid. Philly lined up in the Wildcat and Jackson threw an interception in the end zone. Dammit! At least McNabb didn't throw it so I don't lose points. The drive was going great. Why the hell did they have to try and get cute?

Ugh. Tony Kornheiser just asked why Philly would resort to trickery when the drive had been going so smoothly. I can't believe I just made the same argument as Kornholer. Kornholer is an idiot. Excuse me while I go vomit.

Interception Asante Samuel! NOOO! Tackle him! Crap! He scored. Now the offense doesn't get to touch the ball. See what happens when I have the same thoughts as Tony Kornholer? The fantasy gods punish me with a defensive touchdown. I'm going to go throw myself in front of a bus. I'm sick. I can't lose to my dad. His team sucks ass. He barely squeaked into the playoffs. I finished the regular season in first place. This can't happen.

OK, Cleveland just punted again. Philly has the ball. I am trying to relax.

Will someone please tell Tony Kornholer to shut up. He's going on and on about who will replace Romeo Crennel when he gets fired. What a waste of time. He hasn't been fired yet. We don't need to debate about his replacement just yet. A play just happened and Kornholer and the third guy in the booth whose name is totally slipping my mind at the moment won't shut up about Crennel so the play by play guy can make the call. Lame. Shut the hell up and talk about what's happening on the field. Why are there 3 guys in the booth anyway? Too many cooks if you ask me.

Actually, the real question is why am I listening to this on TV? I can't really answer that one. I usually listen to the radio, but I guess I figured I'd get more material from the TV broadcast. It was kind of a gut decision that I really didn’t think about. I can’t argue with my instincts here since TV sports broadcast are comically bad most of the time. My decision resulted in an opportunity to throw around the name "Kornholer" so that's something.

OK, 2 quick passes have Philly on the 12 yard line. Score, you bastards!

Time out. Only 47 seconds to go. This feels like a field goal.

Pass to the 2. On the next play, Westbrook gets the hand off and the refs can't decide if he's in or not. Meanwhile, 7 or 8 seconds have run off the clock while Philly tries to figure out if they need to use a timeout. Shit. No touchdown. He was right there on the goal line. That’s going to bite me in the ass. I can feel it.

Now Philly has no timeouts and 9 seconds left.

Interception in the end zone. The Cleveland defender ran it back 97 yards but got caught before he could score. No time left. It’s halftime.

Son of a bitch! I'm going to lose. Karma is catching up with me after the way I greased into a FFL championship last year. I should have lost in the Championship game but squeaked out a win because my Dad started Tony Romo for the infamous Jessica Simpson game. I still owe that skank a thank you card.

Sigh. Let's go for another score update.

Scorgasm Addict 72.70
Green Monstahs 58.60

I'm within striking distance but I'm still nervous. Actually, I'm nauseous. I wouldn't even have to be sweating this out if I had started Bernard Berrian instead of Anthony Gonzales. I'm so pissed at myself.

Ooh, here's a commercial for a new Mortal Kombat game. I used to play MK3 on my Sega Genesis back in the day. That game was the bomb. The fatalities were hilarious. They were so over the top. Ah, those were good times.

OK, Cleveland's first possession resulted in a punt. Philly takes the ball on the 20.

Kornholer and the third guy are arguing again. Grr. Just shut up and call the game, you assholes!

OK, Philly is inside the 20 again. Here comes another turnover.

No turnover this time, but no touchdown either. Philly has been in the red zone 5 times and only has one offensive touchdown to show for it. I am seething with rage. By the way, Akers just kicked a field goal in case you care. No one should care since I don't get points for that, but whatever. Stupid, crappy red zone offense. They've been doing this to me all season.

Cleveland has the ball again, but since I don't care about that, I'll entertain myself by talking about the way Billy Simms made an ass of himself at the Heisman presentation. In case you missed it, He repeatedly screamed "Boomer!"
after Sam Bradford was announced as the winner. For those of you not from Oklahoma, this is part of an OU fan mating call which they use to seek each other out in order to have Sooner love-fests together. The appropriate response is "Sooner!" So Simms keeps screaming "Boomer" until Bradford finally gives in and begrudgingly responds. He sounded totally embarrassed and I felt really bad for him. Someone really needs to pull Billy aside and tell him to stop embarrassing the entire State of Oklahoma. That little Boomer Sooner mating call is lame even in appropriate situations. But in a formal award ceremony, when it is shouted 11 times in a 31 second time period, it's completely ridiculous and embarrassing. I feel bad for Bradford. He just won college football's highest individual honor and all anyone was talking about on sports radio this morning was Billy Simms acting like a jackass. Way to steal Bradford's moment, dumb ass.

And once again Philly drives down to the red zone and peters out. Another field goal. I am going to lose by less than 5 points. I can feel it. Philly is totally bored with this game. They're up 20 now and just playing not to lose. They are going to totally bone me. All I need is one more measly touchdown and they're going to jack around and kick field goals the rest of the night. I'm practically suicidal at this point.

The score is currently
Scorgasm Addict 72.70
Green Monstahs 64.40

Philly is back on offense. Buckhalter just ran the ball to the red zone. The next play was a Touchdown pass from MC nab to Lewis. It won't be enough. I didn't pick up enough yardage points on the drive. Why wasn't Westbrook in the game. That Burkhalter run should have been to Westy. I need some garbage yards from my guys, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm so depressed.

Scorgasm Addict 72.70
Green Monstahs 70.90.

There's still 11 minutes to go. As long as they don't pull the starters, I have a chance.

Cleveland goes 3 and out. For the love of God, please don't pull the starters.

Fuck me. The backups are in. I'm toast. I knew karma was going to bite me in the ass.

Oh yeah, the backup QB just threw and interception that was returned for a touchdown. Maybe McNabb will come back in. Please?

Nope. They're sticking with the backup. It's over. I deserved this. I've been getting lucky all season. It was only a matter of time before my luck ran out. And like I said, the Fantasy Gods owed my Dad for the Jessica Simpson game last year. Still I have a consolation game next week and can get third place money. That's better than nothing.

Good luck to Dad who will take on the number 2 seed Born to Run in the championship game next week. BTR has been hot down the stretch putting up ridiculous numbers. I will take on the Fighting Vultures in the 3rd place game.

I'm not going to lie. I'm bummed out. But, it's still been a good season and I've made the playoffs 3 years in a row now. That's not bad.

All right. I'm off to proofread and post this so I can get to bed. I hope you've enjoyed my ranting and raving. At least Dad will enjoy this since he was on a plane home from Vegas and didn’t get to experience this drama himself. Toodles.