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July 22nd, 2004

03:19 pm

I know I said I'd come do an update about my 4th of July weekend, but it sucked so bad I haven't been able to make myself write about it. The weekend truly sucked donkey balls.

It was raining when we pulled into town Friday afternoon. We checked into the hotel and went to get settled in. When Mom and Dad went into their room, they were greeted by the nasty stench of a recent sewage backup. The carpet was still wet from a recent flood from the bathroom. It was not the best way to start the weekend, but Mom and Dad were good sports about it. We got some air freshener and left the door open for a bit so the room could air out. Not a great start to the weekend, but at least the rain stopped by the time we were ready to launch the boat.

We got the boat out on the water and were having a pretty good time. We swam and fished and goofed off. Everything was good. We decided to go trolling for a bit. We had a couple different lures out that weren't working, so we stopped and switched them out. I worked on one pole while Dad did the other one. After taking the lure off the pole, Dad set it down on the back of the drivers seat. He turned around to finish putting on the new lure and when he turned back, the old one was gone. Thinking that Randy or I had put the lure away, he went on about his business. So we fished some more. After crapping out, we gave up and decided to go in for the night. We put everything away and Randy started to drive the boat back to the dock. So we're bouncing along and suddenly Randy stops the boat and starts hollering. I look over and he's grabbing his ass and trying to get up. Upon closer inspection, I see that Randy has a treble hook from the aforementioned fishing lure stuck in his ass. The other treble hook is firmly stuck in the seat cushion so Randy basically is stuck to his seat in a lot of pain. I was freaked. I had no idea what to do. Eventually, the lure worked loose from the seat and Randy yanked the hook out of his ass. It was still hooked in his swim trunks and the only way to get it out was to cut around it. So Randy had a hole in his ass and a hole in his swim trunks, but otherwise, everything turned out OK. After all the drama, we were able to laugh about it but it was kind of scary when it was happening.

So we made it back to the room, ate dinner and went to bed. At about 2:30 AM, we were awakened by howling winds, thunder and lightening. It was a very violent storm. About 3:00 AM we lost electricity. The worst part of the storm finally passed about an hour later and we went back to sleep as it continued to rain. The wind from this storm was outrageous. I heard a rumor that the winds were 110 MPH, but I think that's an exaggeration. But still I'd say we were at least dealing with 70+ MPH winds. It was loud and spooky.

We slept in Saturday morning because it was still raining. The electricity was still out, so Dad and Randy went to get ice so we could move our food from the fridge into ice chests. While out, they learned that a tree in the State Park had been struck by lightening and had fallen on a power line. We got everything loaded into the ice chests and not more than five minutes later, the electricity came back on. Figures. Anyway, the sun had finally broken out so we decided to get ready to head to the boat. Randy went in our room to take a last minute dump. He flushed, and sure enough, Mom and Dad's toilet next door started to gurgle. Then the water rose and before we knew it there was shit floating in Mom and Dad's bathroom floor. Nice. So we reported the problem and were assured that it would be fixed while we ere out. So, we hit the lake.

Again, things are going pretty good. We decided to travel North on the lake to see what we could find. About 10 miles later we came across a really awesome island. There were lots of trees providing good shade and the lake bottom was small rocks so it was safe to beach the boat. We hung out there for several hours. Randy and I jetted over to the marina and brought back lunch. It was a great afternoon - very relaxing. But Randy was getting antsy so we packed up and headed back to the South end of the lake where we were staying. We're hauling ass across the water when all of a sudden we notice twenties flying out of the boat. We stop and look arounf to discover that Randy's wallet had somehow fallen out of our boat bag and was lying on the floor. It was completely empty. We found about $80 on the boat, but everything else was a loss. We drove in circles forever looking for floating money with no luck. At the time, Randy told me he had about $150 in his wallet. After we got home he told me he'd had $250. I'm not sure which is true - I suspect the actual figure is somewhere in between. Regardless, it totally sucked and there have been some real happy bastards pulling twenties out of Lake Tenkiller this summer. Grrrrr.

By this time, I have decided that going to the lake is just not worth the hassle. I was ready to pack up and go home and never return. But Randy the lake-lover was convinced things couldn't get any worse. We went to the rooms. Mom and Dad's toilet issue had been resolved as promised. Maybe things were finally getting better. We had dinner, and went to bed prepared for a good 4th.

So, Sunday morning - it's the 4th of July and Mom's birthday. Woo hoo. It's destined to be a great day, right? Well, for starters, it's pouring rain. Great. So, we have breakfast and dick around the rooms for awhile. Finally, about 1 in the afternoon, the sun comes out. So we load up. We planned to find an island to beach at and just stay all day. We had lots of ribs and had planned to do a big cookout. We finally find a spot. It's not ideal, but it will do. There are large rocks underneath the boat, but we get it tied down well enough that it is ok and not hitting anything. No big deal. On the plus side, there is already a fire pit built so that saves us some work. Things are great. Then about an hour later, as more boats start coming out on the lake, the watter gets very rough. Sure enough, the boat is getting pounded on a big ass rock. We jumped into action to move it, but by the time we got out of there, we had done $2,200 worth of damage to the hull. (Hooray for insurance!)

After that disaster, we decided to just go back to the room and cook on the grill there then go back out on the water to watch fireworks. So we cook ribs and big ass shrimp and have a great meal. Everything was great. It was the best meal we've ever made at the lake. It was spectacular. Our spirits were raised and we happily returned to the boat to go watch fireworks. We went to the appropriate cove and anchored down in the midst of many other boats. Dad was fishing. We were swimming and having a ball. Then all of a sudden, I get the stomach cramps from Hell. I have to shit... NOW! I had no choice. I grabbed a life jacked, jumped into the lake and let it fly. Fortunately there were no floating turds to worry about because it was total liquid. I know, TMI, but you just can't get a true feel of how spectacularly awful this weekend was without getting every painful detail. Oh, and by the way, the scenario repeated itself 3 more times. I was miserable. I felt like hell. I was shitting in a lake and Mom and Dad were laughing their asses off at me. Total hell.

Finally my stomach settled down. The sun was going down and it was about time for the fireworks to get under way. Randy turned on the navigation lights and they came on... for about three minutes. Then they all went dead. Including the light pole on the back of the boat that we had just spent twenty bucks on because our old one had flown off the boat at some point during the weekend. So I'm frantically flipping the switch and jiggling the wires under the dash trying to get the lights to come on before we get busted by the lake ranger. They come on for about a minute then we lost them again. Then, here comes the lake ranger. He pulls along side and like a total asshole says "What do all these other boats have that you don't?" Why are lake rangers always - ALWAYS - dicks? He couldn't just politely inquire about our lights. He HAS to be a dick about it. Words can't describe my hate at this point. So we explain our difficulty and he tells us to get off the lake. Dad immediately starts pulling up the back anchor and Randy heads for the front. Thirty seconds pass and the dick says "Sir, I TOLD you to get off the lake." Dad says, "I'm pulling up the anchor now." The dick keeps circling us until he's convinced we're leaving then he heads off to ruin someone else's day. We fire up the motor just as the fireworks start. We make our way through all the boats and get into our cove. As we looked back all we could see were boats on the water. We were the only losers heading in. It sucked.

We went back to the room and went to bed. We got up the next morning and just packed everything up and left. We had finally had enough. Worst lake trip EVER!

Ugh. Just telling the story makes me grumpy. I hope you all get some enjoyment from my misery. Have a lovely day!