It's been awhile since I've had any encounters with nut-bags on the bus. Well, yesterday I hit the nut-bag jackpot with a guy that was on the bus. It was my favorite kind of nut - one who shares his very dusfunctional life story with total strangers. It was so fascinating, I started taking notes. I couldn't write fast enough to keep up with this guy, but I did manage to get the major highlights. So, without further ado, I proudly present one of my favorite AudreysAudities.com features - A Transcript of a Conversation I Heard on the Bus (with parentthetical commentary).
It started out with the Nut spotting another passenger who was wearing a Houston Rockets jersey:
Nut - "Are you from Houston?"
Guy - "No"
Nut - "Oh, I was hoping I had run into a fellow Texan. I'm from Galviston. Making that trip up I-35 North was the worst mistake I ever made. I don't like this state very much." (Leave or shut up. People from out of state who bitch about having to live here really piss me off.)
Guy - Dead silence (In bus society, this means "Shut up and go away.")
Nut - "I haven't even kept up with how the Rockets have been doing lately." (The season is over dumbass.)
Guy - more silence
Nut - "Oh, is it football season now? I guess so. Houston has a new NFL team that's pretty good. I don't know what they're called." (Way to keep up with news from your beloved home, Jackass. It's the Houston Texans and they suck.)
At this point a lady gets on the bus. Much to the relief of the guy in the jersey, the nut slides over to talk to this woman. He recognises her from somewhere - I get the impression that she works at a bank or something like that where the guy did business with her. She has no idea who he is at first, but seems to kind of remember him farther into the conversation.
Nut - "It's amazing who you run into on a city bus. How have you been?"
Lady - confused but polite "Good"
Nut - "You don't remember me do you? You helped my wife and I so much, I could never forget you. What was your name again?" (Wow you really were touched by her help.)
Lady - Tells him her name, he reminds her of his and she seems to be staring to place him now "So how have you been?"
Nut - "Well, I'm doing poetry now. I've spent the last three weeks in jail for something that was supposed to be taken care of but it wasn't. But at least the Lord gave me poetry to write and now after my probation everything will be taken care of."
Lady - "Oh sorry to hear that"
Nut - Well, the Lord does things for a reason. I started my own church and I have beautiful words to write now so things are getting better. I never thought I'd be a writer." (You're not. You're a nut on a bus.)
Lady - "That's good."
Nut - "Now I'm living at a place (one of those work release places I think) and they're helping me a lot. I'm trying real hard to do everything my probation officer says. If I don't do exactly what he says, he'll be all over me like stink on poo-poo." (Yes, those were his exact words.) "This is my first time out on my own. I somehow missed the van back to the center. For some reason they didn't pick me up. The people at the center have to see me getting off the bus so they'll know I wasn't out galavanting around. I'll be in big trouble if they can't see me getting off the bus."
Lady - "How's you wife?"
Nut - "We're not together anymore. She's living with her new fiance." (At this point I was really struggling to contain my laughter.)
Lady - "Oh I didn't know you all were having problems."
Nut - "We weren't. The State made our problems when they took our kids. She gave up her parental rights and now they're gone. I don't know why she did that. Those kids were mine as much as they were hers. (Nope, they were step-children. Hers, not yours.)
Lady - "Oh"
Nut - "I lived in Tulsa for nine months trying to stay away from her, but my landlord sold my house and made me homeless again. Then i started my church and the Lord helped me find a building for it but it was in OKC, so I came back here because that's what the Lord told me to do. I still love her, but I have to let her go. I'm ready for this divorce to be over with." (I really like how this guy is not personaly responsible for anything that happens to him. It's always the State, the landlord the Lord that cause things to happen to him.)
Lady - "Where are the kids?"
Nut - "The oldest is with his biological father. The other one (I couldn't figure out who the father was on this one, but it's not the nut.) was adopted by a nice couple who is friends with the oldest's father. They're not together but they see each other some. Last time I talked to the oldest one, he told me he'd rather live on the street with me than stay with his real dad. He's closer to me after only 2 years than he is to his dad.
Lady - "How old is he?"
Nut - "!4 or 16. I can't remember. I've been away for awhile so it's hard for me to remember the kids' ages. I think he's 16." (Yeah, you two were really close.)
Sadly or mercifully - I'm not sure which - the bus pulled up to the nut's stop. He said a quick goodbye and left. This concludes A Transcript of a Conversation I Heard on the Bus (with parentthetical commentary) .
I really enjoyed this guy's sob story. It wasn't quite as entertaining as the lady who told me all about her sex life, but it was fairly amusing with lots of Jerry Spinger-esque qualities. I especially enjoyed the bit about starting his own church after getting out of jail. Hey, that could be the plot for a sit-com. I should try to write that. I wish I still had that story about the sex talking lady. It was lost with my archive files that got deleted when I moved the website. That was some classic stuff. Oh well, there'll always be the chance for even better encounters with nuts. Oh how I love the bus.