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December 10th, 2002

12:11 pm

I need to get a little serious today. I guess this forthcoming confession/explanation is something I should do in person, but I have a hard time expressing myself verbally. I feel like I make more sense when I write, so this will have to do.

As many of you may have suspected, the Boob Guy and I aren't "just friends". I've been keeping the details of my relationship with him to myself for quite some time. It wasn't my intent to be deceitful, but I see now that it kind of turned out that way. The thing is, I haven't been in many relationships and this is by far the most serious one I have been involved in. Frankly it scares the hell out of me. I have never been very comfortable with my emotional side, so it was just easier on me to keep this stuff to myself. It's like if I didn't let the rest of the world know that I was in a relationship and that I really cared about this man then it wasn't really happening. I guess that doesn't make any sense, but I just needed to explore this stuff on my own and not have to deal with what anyone else thought about it. Me and the Boob Guy are an odd pair. Our relationship has never made any sense to either one of us and I just never could figure out how to explain it to anyone else. We're so different from one another that the fact that we get along so well is very confusing and a little uncomfortable. But now I am OK with the fact that the relationship doesn't make sense. It's very likely that our differences may get in the way at some point and screw everything up. But we are both too happy together and we can't back down from the challenge. It's a scary ride for both of us, but we just have to see where it goes.

So there it is. I just had to get that off my chest because I've kind of screwed some things up and made mistakes along the way and let some people down. All I can say is that I'm sorry I let my fear of the relationship affect my judgement in dealing with my family and friends.